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It's nice
to go to some of the online forums and read what others say about how
successful their Female Led Relationships are. But there is one other
thing that always stands out when I do this... The questions asked by
the “newbies.” The most common question I see is, “How can I
get her to take control and do more sexual stuff?”
The
answer is so simple you may never think of it yourself. First of all,
you have probably spent several months, if not years, researching
FLRs and how they are “supposed” to work. You have built this
fantasy in your head of the perfect FLR. One in which your wife
teases you almost constantly, she punishes you at every turn, she
even wears a great deal of sexy clothing that she never wore before.
And there, my friends, is the problem.
Chances
are, your wife, even though she may agree to take more control, has
NOT done all the research you have. She has NOT built up a fantasy
world in her mind of how things should be. She probably doesn't even
know how to proceed. But YOU keep telling her how she should do
things.
Bad! Bad,
bad, sub! You must realize that she needs to learn everything you
already know. But if YOU try to tell her how do everything, she feels
like you are still the one in control. And the fact is, you are! But
that's NOT how it should be. We all know that. So why not back off,
suggest some reading or research material that can actually be of
help to her. Mistress Ivey's web sites, her books, even her couple's
training if it is open, are all good places to send her. I am not
just saying that because she is my wife and, of course, I benefit
from it, but because most of the information you find on the Internet
is extreme, to say the least. The Internet might actually scare her
out of wanting to do it at all.
My point
is, you have to allow her to progress at her own pace. Let her do
what she is comfortable doing and be patient for the rest. If you
keep topping from the bottom, chances are she will NEVER fully accept
her role as your Mistress. There is a lot to learn. It will take her
time to learn it. Even then, she isn't going to do anything that she
is not comfortable with. So give her a chance. Don't push her. Let
her go at her own pace and you will be surprised how fast she can
progress.
Give her
help in the form of knowledge about you and what you like, enjoy, are
afraid of. Tell her what would be humiliating for you, what you would
do ONLY if she ordered you to do it. But do NOT expect her to jump
right in with both feet.
Point her
in the right direction and then stand back and wait for her to catch
up to you.
nemo
Excellent post my friend. When I first decided I was going to approach my wife and ask her to be my Mistress Wife, i took into account many of the things you mentioned in your post. I knew I was immersed with the thoughts/fantasies of living a true FLM and as such, my wife would not be "up to speed" when compared to the many thoughts I had running through my mind at the time. I also knew that in order for our FLM to be successful, i knew that I had to genuinely, I mean really, have the source of my pleasure be from seeing and knowing that was getting the pleasure that an FLM is intended to provide. I knew that if I was just going to try and lie to myself about this aspect of it, things would end and probably end badly.
ReplyDeleteI began to think about where our normal, loving, vanilla lifestyle was taking us. In fact, it was a comment made by my wife that sparked the idea of me asking her to assume control of our marriage. Of my sex life, and of my discipline. I have always adored my wife. Always. I knew that wouldn't be a problem, but when i read about how older couples were genuinely enjoying their FLM lifestyle together, and in particular how the men adored, worshipped and loved their Mistress wives "more than they ever had in the past", a light bulb went on above my head.
Now my wife and I had always been comfortable talking about our sex life, our kinks and had often played BDSM games for short periods of time, switching roles. When I presented the idea to her, I made it clear that I was not talking about playing roles more often, and that i was in fact talking about a 24/7 lifestyle that we would incorporate into our regular, suburban existence. Kids and all.
I was able to determine in my own mind that I did in fact have as my sole source of pleasure, her getting pleasure. From that our FLM has flourished and we continue to grow and discover new things all the time. In fact, in the next week, we will be renewing our marriage vows in a decidedly FLM fashion, before an Officiant that is fully aware of our lifestyle. I can't wait for that.
The problems "newbies" run into is that they generally attempt to live out a fantasy and don't really wish to be submissive to their female partners. A relationship that begins with that sort of, well lie, is doomed from the beginning.
Great post.